SHAKESPEARE ON DISK. THE SECOND PART OF KING HENRY THE FOURTH. ACT II. SCENE I. [London. A street.] [Enter HOSTESS, FANG and his BOY with her, and SNARE following.] HOSTESS. Master Fang, have you enter'd the action? 2/1/1 FANG. It is enter'd. HOSTESS. Where's your yeoman? Is't a lusty yeoman? will a' stand to't? FANG. Sirrah, where's Snare? HOSTESS. O Lord, ay! good Master Snare. SNARE. Here, here. FANG. Snare, we must arrest Sir John Falstaff. HOSTESS. Yes, good Master Snare; I have enter'd him and all. SNARE. It may chance cost some of us our lives, for he will stab. 2/1/10 HOSTESS. Alas the day! take heed of him; he stabb'd me in mine own house, and that most beastly: in good faith, a' cares not what mischief he doth, if his weapon be out: he will foin like any devil; he will spare neither man, woman, nor child. FANG. If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust. HOSTESS. No, nor I neither: I'll be at your elbow. FANG. An I but fist him once; an a' come but within my vice,- HOSTESS. I am undone by his going; I warrant you, he's an infinitive thing upon my score:- good Master Fang, hold him sure;- good Master Snare, let him not scape. A' comes continuantly to 2/1/20 Pie-corner- saving your manhoods- to buy a saddle; and he is indited to dinner to the Lubber's-head in Lumbert-street, to Master Smooth's the silkman: I pray ye, since my exion is enter'd, and my case so openly known to the world, let him be brought in to his answer. A hundred mark is a long one for a poor lone woman to bear: and I have borne, and borne, and borne; and have been fubb'd off, and fubb'd off, and fubb'd off, from this day to that day, that it is a shame to be thought on. There is no honesty in such dealing; unless a woman should be made an ass and a beast, to bear every 2/1/30 knave's wrong.- Yonder he comes; and that arrant malmsey- nose knave Bardolph with him. Do your offices, do your offices, Master Fang and Master Snare; do me, do me, do me your offices. [Enter FALSTAFF, PAGE, and BARDOLPH.] FALSTAFF. How now! whose mare's dead? what's the matter? FANG. Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of Mistress Quickly. FALSTAFF. Away, varlets!- Draw, Bardolph: cut me off the villain's head; throw the quean in the channel. HOSTESS. Throw me in the channel! I'll throw thee in the channel. Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou bastardly rogue!- Murder, murder! 2/1/40 Ah, thou honey-suckle villain! wilt thou kill God's officers and the kings? Ah, thou honey-seed rogue! thou art a honey- seed, a man-queller, and a woman-queller. FALSTAFF. Keep them off, Bardolph. FANG. A rescue! a rescue! HOSTESS. Good people, bring a rescue or two.- Thou wo't, wo't thou? thou wo't, wo't ta? do, do, thou rogue! do, thou hemp-seed! FALSTAFF. Away, you scullion! you rampallian! you fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe. [Enter the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE, and his men.] LORD CHIEF JUSTICE. What is the matter? keep the peace here, ho! 2/1/50 HOSTESS. Good my lord, be good to me! I beseech you, stand to me! LORD CHIEF JUSTICE. How now, Sir John! what are you brawling here? Doth this become your place, your time, and business? You should have been well on your way to York.- Stand from him, fellow: wherefore hang'st upon him? HOSTESS. O my most worshipful lord, an't please your Grace, I am a poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested at my suit. LORD CHIEF JUSTICE. For what sum? HOSTESS. It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all,- all I have. He hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put 2/1/60 all my substance into that fat belly of his:- but I will have some of it out again, or I will ride thee o' nights like the mare. FALSTAFF. I think I am as like to ride the mare, if I have any vantage of ground to get up. LORD CHIEF JUSTICE. How comes this, Sir John? Fie! what man of good temper would endure this tempest of exclamation? Are you not ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course to come by her own? FALSTAFF. What is the gross sum that I owe thee? 2/1/70 HOSTESS. Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself and the money too. Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet, sitting in my Dolphin-chamber, at the round table, by a sea- coal fire, upon Wednesday in Wheeson-week, when the prince broke thy head for liking his father to a singing-man of Windsor,- thou didst swear to me then, as I was washing thy wound, to marry me, and make me my lady thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech, the butcher's wife, come in then, and call me gossip Quickly? coming in to borrow a mess of vinegar; telling us she had a good dish of prawns; 2/1/80 whereby thou didst desire to eat some; whereby I told thee they were ill for a green wound? And didst thou not, when she was gone down stairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity with such poor people; saying that ere long they should call me madam? And didst thou not kiss me, and bid me fetch thee thirty shillings? I put thee now to thy book- oath: deny it, if thou canst. FALSTAFF. My lord, this is a poor mad soul; and she says, up and down the town, that her eldest son is like you: she hath been in good case, and the truth is, poverty hath distracted her. 2/1/90 But for these foolish officers, I beseech you I may have redress against them. LORD CHIEF JUSTICE. Sir John, Sir John, I am well acquainted with your manner of wrenching the true cause the false way. It is not a confident brow, nor the throng of words that come with such more than impudent sauciness from you, can thrust me from a level consideration: you have, as it appears to me, practised upon the easy-yielding spirit of this woman, and made her serve your uses both in purse and in person. HOSTESS. Yea, in truth, my lord. 2/1/100 LORD CHIEF JUSTICE. Pray thee, peace.- Pay her the debt you owe her, and unpay the villainy you have done her: the one you may do with sterling money, and the other with current repentance. FALSTAFF. My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without reply. You call honourable boldness impudent sauciness: if a man will make court'sy, and say nothing, he is virtuous:- no, my lord, my humble duty remember'd, I will not be your suitor. I say to you, I do desire deliverance from these officers, being upon hasty employment in the king's affairs. LORD CHIEF JUSTICE. You speak as having power to do wrong: but answer in the 2/1/110 effect of your reputation, and satisfy the poor woman. FALSTAFF. Come hither, hostess. [Takes her aside.] [Enter GOWER.] LORD CHIEF JUSTICE. Now, Master Gower, what news? GOWER. The king, my lord, and Harry Prince of Wales Are near at hand: the rest the paper tells. [Gives a letter.] FALSTAFF. As I am a gentleman,- HOSTESS. Faith, you said so before. FALSTAFF. As I am a gentleman:- come, no more words of it. HOSTESS. By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be fain to pawn both my plate and the tapestry of my dining-chambers. 2/1/120 FALSTAFF. Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking: and for thy walls,- a pretty slight drollery, or the story of the Prodigal, or the German Hunting in water-work, is worth a thousand of these bed-hangings and these fly-bitten tapestries. Let it be ten pound, if thou canst. Come, an 'twere not for thy humours, there's not a better wench in England. Go, wash thy face, and draw the action. Come, thou must not be in this humour with me; dost not know me? come, come, I know thou wast set on to this. HOSTESS. Pray thee, Sir John, let it be but twenty nobles: i' faith, 2/1/130 I am loth to pawn my plate, so God save me, la. FALSTAFF. Let it alone; I'll make other shift: you'll be a fool still. HOSTESS. Well, you shall have it, though I pawn my gown. I hope you'll come to supper. You'll pay me all together? FALSTAFF. Will I live?- [To BARDOLPH] Go, with her, with her; hook on, hook on. HOSTESS. Will you have Doll Tearsheet meet you at supper? FALSTAFF. No more words; let's have her. [Exeunt HOSTESS, BARDOLPH, OFFICERS, and BOY.] LORD CHIEF JUSTICE. I have heard better news. FALSTAFF. What's the news, my lord? 2/1/140 LORD CHIEF JUSTICE. Where lay the king last night? GOWER. At Basingstoke, my lord. FALSTAFF. I hope, my lord, all's well: what is the news, my lord? LORD CHIEF JUSTICE. Come all his forces back? GOWER. No; fifteen hundred foot, five hundred horse, Are march'd up to my Lord of Lancaster, Against Northumberland and the Archbishop. FALSTAFF. Comes the king back from Wales, my noble lord? LORD CHIEF JUSTICE. You shall have letters of me presently: Come, go along with me, good Master Gower. 2/1/150 FALSTAFF. My lord! LORD CHIEF JUSTICE. What's the matter? FALSTAFF. Master Gower, shall I entreat you with me to dinner? GOWER. I must wait upon my good lord here,- I thank you, good Sir John. LORD CHIEF JUSTICE. Sir John, you loiter here too long, being you are to take soldiers up in counties as you go. FALSTAFF. Will you sup with me, Master Gower? LORD CHIEF JUSTICE. What foolish master taught you these manners, Sir John? FALSTAFF. Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a fool that 2/1/160 taught them me.- This is the right fencing grace, my lord; tap for tap, and so part fair. LORD CHIEF JUSTICE. Now, the Lord lighten thee! thou art a great fool. [Exeunt.] SCENE II. [London. Another street.] [Enter PRINCE HENRY and POINS.] PRINCE HENRY. Before God, I am exceeding weary. 2/2/1 POINS. Is't come to that? I had thought weariness durst not have attach'd one of so high blood. PRINCE HENRY. Faith, it does me; though it discolours the complexion of my greatness to acknowledge it. Doth it not show vilely in me to desire small beer? POINS. Why, a prince should not be so loosely studied as to remember so weak a composition. PRINCE HENRY. Belike, then, my appetite was not princely got; for, by my troth, I do now remember the poor creature, small beer. But, 2/2/10 indeed, these humble considerations make me out of love with my greatness. What a disgrace is it to me to remember thy name! or to know thy face to-morrow! or to take note how many pair of silk stockings thou hast, viz. these, and those that were thy peach-colour'd ones! or to bear the inventory of thy shirts, as, one for superfluity, and one other for use!- but that the tennis-court-keeper knows better than I; for it is a low ebb of linen with thee when thou keepest not racket there; as thou hast not done a great while, because the rest of thy low-countries have made a shift to eat up 2/2/20 thy holland: and God knows whether those that bawl out of the ruins of thy linen shall inherit his kingdom: but the midwives say the children are not in the fault; whereupon the world increases, and kindreds are mightily strengthen'd. POINS. How ill it follows, after you have labour'd so hard, you should talk so idly! Tell me, how many good young princes would do so, their fathers being so sick as yours at this time is? PRINCE HENRY. Shall I tell thee one thing, Poins? POINS. Yes, faith; and let it be an excellent good thing. 2/2/30 PRINCE HENRY. It shall serve among wits of no higher breeding than thine. POINS. Go to; I stand the push of your one thing that you will tell. PRINCE HENRY. Marry, I tell thee,- it is not meet that I should be sad, now my father is sick: albeit I could tell to thee,- as to one it pleases me, for fault of a better, to call my friend,- I could be sad, and sad indeed too. POINS Very hardly upon such a subject. PRINCE HENRY. By this hand, thou think'st me as far in the devil's book as thou and Falstaff for obduracy and persistency: let the end 2/2/40 try the man. But I tell thee, my heart bleeds inwardly that my father is so sick: and keeping such vile company as thou art hath in reason taken from me all ostentation of sorrow. POINS. The reason? PRINCE HENRY. What wouldst thou think of me, if I should weep? POINS. I would think thee a most princely hypocrite. PRINCE HENRY. It would be every man's thought; and thou art a blessed fellow to think as every man thinks: never a man's thought in the world keeps the road-way better than thine: every man would think me an hypocrite indeed. And what accites your 2/2/50 most worshipful thought to think so? POINS. Why, because you have been so lewd, and so much engraff'd to Falstaff. PRINCE HENRY. And to thee. POINS. By this light, I am well spoke on; I can hear it with mine own ears: the worst that they can say of me is, that I am a second brother, and that I am a proper fellow of my hands; and those two things, I confess, I cannot help.- By the mass, here comes Bardolph. PRINCE HENRY. And the boy that I gave Falstaff: a' had him from me 2/2/60 Christian; and look, if the fat villain have not transform'd him ape. [Enter BARDOLPH and PAGE.] BARDOLPH. God save your Grace! PRINCE HENRY. And yours, most noble Bardolph! BARDOLPH [to the PAGE]. Come, you virtuous ass, you bashful fool, must you be blushing? wherefore blush you now? What a maidenly man-at- arms are you become! Is't such a matter to get a pottle- pot's maidenhead? PAGE. A' calls me e'en now, my lord, through a red lattice, and I could discern no part of his face from the window: at last I 2/2/70 spied his eyes; and methought he had made two holes in the alewife's new petticoat, and so peep'd through. PRINCE HENRY. Hath not the boy profited? BARDOLPH. Away, you whoreson upright rabbit, away! PAGE. Away, you rascally Althaea's dream, away! PRINCE HENRY. Instruct us, boy; what dream, boy? PAGE. Marry, my lord, Althaea dream'd she was deliver'd of a firebrand; and therefore I call him her dream. PRINCE HENRY. A crown's worth of good interpretation:- there 'tis, boy. [Gives money.] POINS. O, that this good blossom could be kept from cankers!- Well, 2/2/80 there is sixpence to preserve thee. [Gives money.] BARDOLPH. An you do not make him hang'd among you, the gallows shall have wrong. PRINCE HENRY. And how doth thy master, Bardolph? BARDOLPH. Well, my lord. He heard of your Grace's coming to town; there's a letter for you. [Gives a letter.] POINS. Deliver'd with good respect.- And how doth the martlemas, your master? BARDOLPH. In bodily health, sir. POINS. Marry, the immortal part needs a physician; but that moves 2/2/90 not him: though that be sick, it dies not. PRINCE HENRY. I do allow this wen to be as familiar with me as my dog: and he holds his place; for look you how he writes. POINS [reads]. "John Falstaff, knight,"- every man must know that, as oft as he has occasion to name himself: even like those that are kin to the king; for they never prick their finger but they say, "There's some of the king's blood spilt." "How comes that?" says he, that takes upon him not to conceive. The answer is as ready as a borrower's cap, "I am the king's poor cousin, sir." 2/2/100 PRINCE HENRY. Nay, they will be kin to us, or they will fetch it from Japhet. But to the letter:- POINS [reads]. "Sir John Falstaff, knight, to the son of the king, nearest his father, Harry Prince of Wales, greeting."- Why, this is a certificate. PRINCE HENRY. Peace! POINS [reads]. "I will imitate the honourable Roman in brevity:"- sure he means brevity in breath, short-winded.- "I commend me to thee, I commend thee, and I leave thee. Be not too familiar with Poins; for he misuses thy favours so much, that he 2/2/110 swears thou art to marry his sister Nell. Repent at idle times as thou may'st; and so, farewell. "Thine, by yea and no (which is as much as to say, as thou usest him), Jack Falstaff with my familiars, John with my brothers and sisters, and Sir John with all Europe." My lord, I'll steep this letter in sack, and make him eat it. PRINCE HENRY. That's to make him eat twenty of his words. But do you use me thus, Ned? must I marry your sister? POINS. God send the wench no worse fortune! but I never said so. PRINCE HENRY. Well, thus we play the fools with the time; and the spirits 2/2/120 of the wise sit in the clouds and mock us.- Is your master here in London? BARDOLPH. Yes, my lord. PRINCE HENRY. Where sups he? doth the old boar feed in the old frank? BARDOLPH. At the old place, my lord,- in Eastcheap. PRINCE HENRY. What company? PAGE. Ephesians, my lord,- of the old church. PRINCE HENRY. Sup any women with him? PAGE. None, my lord, but old Mistress Quickly and Mistress Doll Tearsheet. 2/2/130 PRINCE HENRY. What pagan may that be? PAGE. A proper gentlewoman, sir, and a kinswoman of my master's. PRINCE HENRY. Even such kin as the parish heifers are to the town bull.- Shall we steal upon them, Ned, at supper? POINS. I am your shadow, my lord; I'll follow you. PRINCE HENRY. Sirrah, you boy,- and Bardolph,- no word to your master that I am yet come to town: there's for your silence. [Gives money.] BARDOLPH. I have no tongue, sir. PAGE. And for mine, sir,- I will govern it. PRINCE HENRY. Fare you well; go. [Exeunt BARDOLPH and PAGE.]- This Doll 2/2/140 Tearsheet should be some road. POINS. I warrant you, as common as the way between Saint Alban's and London. PRINCE HENRY. How might we see Falstaff bestow himself tonight in his true colours, and not ourselves be seen? POINS. Put on two leathern jerkins and aprons, and wait upon him at his table as drawers. PRINCE HENRY. From a god to a bull? a heavy descension! it was Jove's case. From a prince to a prentice? a low transformation! that shall be mine; for in every thing the purpose must 2/2/150 weigh with the folly. Follow me, Ned. [Exeunt.] SCENE III. [Warkworth. Before the Castle.] [Enter NORTHUMBERLAND, LADY NORTHUMBERLAND, and LADY PERCY.] NORTHUMBERLAND. I pray thee, loving wife, and gentle daughter, 2/3/1 Give even way unto my rough affairs: Put not you on the visage of the times, And be, like them, to Percy troublesome. LADY NORTHUMBERLAND. I have given over, I will speak no more: Do what you will; your wisdom be your guide. NORTHUMBERLAND. Alas, sweet wife, my honour is at pawn; And, but my going, nothing can redeem it. LADY PERCY. O, yet, for God's sake, go not to these wars! The time was, father, that you broke your word, 2/3/10 When you were more endear'd to it than now; When your own Percy, when my heart's dear Harry, Threw many a northward look to see his father Bring up his powers; but he did long in vain. Who then persuaded you to stay at home? There were two honours lost,- yours and your son's. For yours,- the God of heaven brighten it! For his,- it stuck upon him, as the sun In the gray vault of heaven; and by his light Did all the chivalry of England move 2/3/20 To do brave acts: he was, indeed, the glass Wherein the noble youth did dress themselves: He had no legs that practised not his gait; And speaking thick, which nature made his blemish, Became the accents of the valiant; For those that could speak low and tardily Would turn their own perfection to abuse, To seem like him: so that in speech, in gait, In diet, in affections of delight, In military rules, humours of blood, 2/3/30 He was the mark and glass, copy and book, That fashion'd others. And him,- O wondrous him! O miracle of men!- him did you leave- Second to none, unseconded by you- To look upon the hideous god of war In disadvantage; to abide a field Where nothing but the sound of Hotspur's name Did seem defensible:- so you left him. Never, O never, do his ghost the wrong To hold your honour more precise and nice 2/3/40 With others than with him! let them alone: The marshal and the archbishop are strong: Had my sweet Harry had but half their numbers, To-day might I, hanging on Hotspur's neck, Have talk'd of Monmouth's grave. NORTHUMBERLAND. Beshrew your heart, Fair daughter, you do draw my spirits from me With new lamenting ancient oversights. But I must go, and meet with danger there; Or it will seek me in another place, And find me worse provided. 2/3/50 LADY NORTHUMBERLAND. O, fly to Scotland, Till that the nobles and the armed commons Have of their puissance made a little taste. LADY PERCY. If they get ground and vantage of the king, Then join you with them, like a rib of steel, To make strength stronger; but, for all our loves, First let them try themselves. So did your son; He was so suffer'd: so came I a widow; And never shall have length of life enough To rain upon remembrance with mine eyes, That it may grow and sprout as high as heaven, 2/3/60 For recordation to my noble husband. NORTHUMBERLAND. Come, come, go in with me. 'Tis with my mind As with the tide swell'd up unto his height, That makes a still-stand, running neither way: Fain would I go to meet the archbishop, But many thousand reasons hold me back. I will resolve for Scotland: there am I, Till time and vantage crave my company. [Exeunt.] SCENE IV. [London. The Boar's-Head Tavern in Eastcheap.] [Enter two DRAWERS.] FIRST DRAWER. What the devil hast thou brought there? apple-johns? thou 2/4/1 know'st Sir John cannot endure an apple-john. SECOND DRAWER. Mass, thou say'st true. The prince once set a dish of apple- johns before him, and told him there were five more Sir Johns; and, putting off his hat, said, "I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, old, wither'd knights." It anger'd him to the heart: but he hath forgot that. FIRST DRAWER. Why, then, cover, and set them down: and see if thou canst find out Sneak's noise; Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear some music. Dispatch:- the room where they supp'd is too 2/4/10 hot; they'll come in straight. SECOND DRAWER. Sirrah, here will be the prince and Master Poins anon; and they will put on two of our jerkins and aprons; and Sir John must not know of it: Bardolph hath brought word. FIRST DRAWER. By the mass, here will be old utis: it will be an excellent stratagem. SECOND DRAWER. I'll see if I can find out Sneak. [Exit.] [Enter HOSTESS and DOLL TEARSHEET.] HOSTESS. I' faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an excellent good temperality: your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as heart would desire; and your colour, I warrant you, is as 2/4/20 red as any rose, in good truth, la: but, i' faith, you have drunk too much canaries; and that's a marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say "What's this?"- How do you now? DOLL TEARSHEET. Better than I was:- hem. HOSTESS. Why, that's well said; a good heart's worth gold.- Lo, here comes Sir John. [Enter FALSTAFF.] FALSTAFF [singing]. When Arthur first in court- Empty the jordan.- [Exit FIRST DRAWER.] [singing] And was a worthy king.- 2/4/30 How now, Mistress Doll! HOSTESS. Sick of a calm; yea, good faith. FALSTAFF. So is all her sect; an they be once in a calm, they are sick. DOLL TEARSHEET. You muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you give me? FALSTAFF. You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll. DOLL TEARSHEET. I make them! gluttony and diseases make them; I make them not. FALSTAFF. If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make the diseases, Doll; we catch of you, Doll, we catch of you; 2/4/40 grant that, my poor virtue, grant that. DOLL TEARSHEET. Yea, joy,- our chains and our jewels. FALSTAFF. "Your brooches, pearls, and ouches:"- for to serve bravely is to come halting off, you know: to come off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture upon the charged chambers bravely,- DOLL TEARSHEET. Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself! HOSTESS. By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never meet but you fall to some discord: you are both, i' good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with 2/4/50 another's confirmities. What the good-year! one must bear, and that must be you [to DOLL TEARSHEET]: you are the weaker vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel. DOLL TEARSHEET. Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? there's a whole merchant's venture of Bourdeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a hulk better stuff'd in the hold.- Come, I'll be friends with thee, Jack: thou art going to the wars; and whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is nobody cares. [Enter FIRST DRAWER.] FIRST DRAWER. Sir, Ancient Pistol's below, and would speak with you. 2/4/60 DOLL TEARSHEET. Hang him, swaggering rascal! let him not come hither: it is the foul-mouth'dst rogue in England. HOSTESS. If he swagger, let him not come here: no, by my faith; I must live among my neighbours; I'll no swaggerers: I am in good name and fame with the very best:- shut the door;- there comes no swaggerers here: I have not lived all this while, to have swaggering now:- shut the door, I pray you. FALSTAFF. Dost thou hear, hostess?- HOSTESS. Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John: there comes no swaggerers here. 2/4/70 FALSTAFF. Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient. HOSTESS. Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me: your ancient swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick, the deputy, t'other day; and, as he said to me, 'twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, "I' good faith, neighbour Quickly," says he;- Master Dumbe, our minister, was by then;- "neighbour Quickly." says he, "receive those that are civil; for," saith he, "you are in an ill name:"- now a' said so, I can tell whereupon; "for," says he, "you are an honest woman, and well thought on; therefore take heed what guests 2/4/80 you receive: receive," says he, "no swaggering companions." There comes none here: you would bless you to hear what he said: no, I'll no swaggerers. FALSTAFF. He's no swaggerer, hostess; a tame cheater, i' faith; you may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound; he'll not swagger with a Barbary hen, if her feathers turn back in any show of resistance.- Call him up, drawer. [Exit FIRST DRAWER.] HOSTESS. Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my house, nor no cheater: but I do not love swaggering; by my troth, I am the worse when one says "swagger": feel, masters, how I 2/4/90 shake; look you, I warrant you. DOLL TEARSHEET. So you do, hostess. HOSTESS. Do I? yea, in very truth, do I, an 'twere an aspen leaf: I cannot abide swaggerers. [Enter PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and PAGE.] PISTOL. God save you, Sir John! FALSTAFF. Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you with a cup of sack: do you discharge upon mine hostess. PISTOL. I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets. FALSTAFF. She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall hardly offend her. HOSTESS. Come, I'll drink no proofs nor no bullets: I'll drink no 2/4/100 more than will do me good, for no man's pleasure, I. PISTOL. Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you. DOLL TEARSHEET. Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What! you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for your master. PISTOL. I know you, Mistress Dorothy. DOLL TEARSHEET. Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away! by this wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps, an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stale juggler, you!- Since when, I pray you, 2/4/110 sir?- God's light, with two points on your shoulder? much! PISTOL. God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this. FALSTAFF. No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here: discharge yourself of our company, Pistol. HOSTESS. No, good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain. DOLL TEARSHEET. Captain! thou abominable damn'd cheater, art thou not ashamed to be call'd captain? An captains were of my mind, they would truncheon you out, for taking their names upon you before you have earn'd them. You a captain! you slave, for what? for tearing a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house!- 2/4/120 He a captain! hang him, rogue! he lives upon mouldy stew'd prunes and dried cakes. A captain! God's light, these villains will make the word as odious as the word "occupy;" which was an excellent good word before it was ill sorted: therefore captains had need look to't. BARDOLPH. Pray thee, go down, good ancient. FALSTAFF. Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll. PISTOL. Not I: I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph,- I could tear her: I'll be revenged of her. PAGE. Pray thee, go down. 2/4/130 PISTOL. I'll see her damned first;- to Pluto's damned lake, by this hand, to the infernal deep, with Erebus and tortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say I. Down, down, dogs! down, faitors! Have we not Hiren here? HOSTESS. Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late, i' faith: I beseek you now, aggravate your choler. PISTOL. These be good humours, indeed! Shall pack-horses, And hollow pamper'd jades of Asia, Which cannot go but thirty mile a-day, Compare with Caesars, and with Cannibals, 2/4/140 And Trojan Greeks? nay, rather damn them with King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar. Shall we fall foul for toys? HOSTESS. By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words. BARDOLPH. Be gone, good ancient. This will grow to a brawl anon. PISTOL. Die men like dogs! give crowns like pins! Have we not Hiren here? HOSTESS. O' my word, captain, there's none such here. What the good- year! do you think I would deny her? For God's sake, be quiet. 2/4/150 PISTOL. Then feed, and be fat, my fair Calipolis. Come, give's some sack. `Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento'.- Fear we broadsides? no, let the fiend give fire: Give me some sack:- and, sweetheart, lie thou there. [Laying down his sword.] Come we to full points here, and are etceteras nothing? FALSTAFF. Pistol, I would be quiet. PISTOL. Sweet knight, I kiss thy neif: what! we have seen the seven stars. DOLL TEARSHEET. For God's sake, thrust him down stairs: I cannot endure such 2/4/160 a fustian rascal. PISTOL. Thrust him down stairs! know we not Galloway nags? FALSTAFF. Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat shilling: nay, an a' do nothing but speak nothing, a' shall be nothing here. BARDOLPH. Come, get you down stairs. PISTOL. What! shall we have incision? shall we imbrue?- [Snatching up his sword.] Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days! Why, then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say! 2/4/170 HOSTESS. Here's goodly stuff toward! FALSTAFF. Give me my rapier, boy. DOLL TEARSHEET. I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw. FALSTAFF. Get you down stairs. [Drawing, and driving PISTOL out.] HOSTESS. Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping house, afore I'll be in these tirrits and frights. So; murder, I warrant now.- Alas, alas! put up your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons. [Exeunt PISTOL and BARDOLPH.] DOLL TEARSHEET. I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's gone. Ah, you whoreson little valiant villain, you! 2/4/180 HOSTESS. Are you not hurt i' th'groin? methought a' made a shrewd thrust at your belly. [Enter BARDOLPH.] FALSTAFF. Have you turn'd him out o' doors? BARDOLPH. Yes, sir. The rascal's drunk; you have hurt him, sir, i' th'shoulder. FALSTAFF. A rascal! to brave me! DOLL TEARSHEET. Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape, how thou sweat'st! come, let me wipe thy face; come on, you whoreson chops:- ah, rogue! i' faith, I love thee: thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten 2/4/190 times better than the Nine Worthies: ah, villain! FALSTAFF. A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket. DOLL TEARSHEET. Do, an thou darest for thy heart: an thou dost, I'll canvass thee between a pair of sheets. [Enter MUSICIANS.] PAGE. The music is come, sir. FALSTAFF. Let them play:- play, sirs.- Sit on my knee, Doll. [Music.] A rascal bragging slave! the rogue fled from me like quicksilver. DOLL TEARSHEET. I' faith, and thou follow'dst him like a church. Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou 2/4/200 leave fighting o' days and foining o' nights, and begin to patch up thine old body for heaven? [Enter, behind, PRINCE HENRY and POINS disguised as DRAWERS.] FALSTAFF. Peace, good Doll! do not speak like a death's-head; do not bid me remember mine end. DOLL TEARSHEET. Sirrah, what humour's the prince of? FALSTAFF. A good shallow young fellow: a' would have made a good pantler, a' would ha' chipp'd bread well. DOLL TEARSHEET. They say Poins has a good wit. FALSTAFF. He a good wit? hang him, baboon! his wit's as thick as Tewkesbury mustard; there's no more conceit in him than is 2/4/210 in a mallet. DOLL TEARSHEET. Why does the prince love him so, then? FALSTAFF. Because their legs are both of a bigness; and a' plays at quoits well; and eats conger and fennel; and drinks off candles' ends for flap-dragons; and rides the wild-mare with the boys; and jumps upon joint-stools; and swears with a good grace; and wears his boots very smooth, like unto the sign of the leg; and breeds no bate with telling of discreet stories; and such other gambol faculties a' has, that show a weak mind and an able body, for the which the prince admits 2/4/220 him: for the prince himself is such another; the weight of a hair will turn the scales between their avoirdupois. PRINCE HENRY. Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off? POINS. Let's beat him before his whore. PRINCE HENRY. Look, whether the wither'd elder hath not his poll claw'd like a parrot. POINS. Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance? FALSTAFF. Kiss me, Doll. PRINCE HENRY. Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! what says the 2/4/230 almanac to that? POINS. And, look, whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be not lisping to his master's own tables, his note-book, his counsel- keeper. FALSTAFF. Thou dost give me flattering busses. DOLL TEARSHEET. By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart. FALSTAFF. I am old, I am old. DOLL TEARSHEET. I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young boy of them all. FALSTAFF. What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive money o' 2/4/240 Thursday: shalt have a cap to-morrow. A merry song, come: it grows late; we'll to bed. Thou'lt forget me when I am gone. DOLL TEARSHEET. By my troth, thou'lt set me a-weeping, an thou say'st so: prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return:- well, hearken the end. FALSTAFF. Some sack, Francis. PRINCE HENRY and POINS. Anon, anon, sir. [Advancing.] FALSTAFF. Ha! a bastard son of the king's?- And art not thou Poins his brother? 2/4/250 PRINCE HENRY. Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost thou lead! FALSTAFF. A better than thou: I am a gentleman; thou art a drawer. PRINCE HENRY. Very true, sir; and I come to draw you out by the ears. HOSTESS. O, the Lord preserve thy good Grace! by my troth, welcome to London. Now, the Lord bless that sweet face of thine! O Jesu, are you come from Wales? FALSTAFF. Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty,- by this light flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome. [Leaning his hand upon DOLL TEARSHEET.] DOLL TEARSHEET. How, you fat fool! I scorn you. 2/4/260 POINS. My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge, and turn all to a merriment, if you take not the heat. PRINCE HENRY. You whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did you speak of me even now before this honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman! HOSTESS. God's blessing of your good heart! and so she is, by my troth. FALSTAFF. Didst thou hear me? PRINCE HENRY. Yea; and you knew me, as you did when you ran away by Gadshill: you knew I was at your back, and spoke it on purpose to try my patience. 2/4/270 FALSTAFF. No, no, no; not so; I did not think thou wast within hearing. PRINCE HENRY. I shall drive you, then, to confess the willful abuse; and then I know how to handle you. FALSTAFF. No abuse, Hal, o' mine honour; no abuse. PRINCE HENRY. Not,- to dispraise me, and call me pantler, and bread- chipper, and I know not what! FALSTAFF. No abuse, Hal! POINS. No abuse! FALSTAFF. No abuse, Ned, i' th'world; honest Ned, none. I dispraised 2/4/280 him before the wicked, that the wicked might not fall in love with him;- in which doing, I have done the part of a careful friend and a true subject, and thy father is to give me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal;- none, Ned, none;- no, faith, boys, none. PRINCE HENRY. See now, whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with us. Is she of the wicked? is thine hostess here of the wicked? or is thy boy of the wicked? or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his nose, of the wicked? 2/4/290 POINS. Answer, thou dead elm, answer. FALSTAFF. The fiend hath prick'd down Bardolph irrecoverable; and his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he doth nothing but roast malt-worms. For the boy,- there is a good angel about him; but the devil outbids him too. PRINCE HENRY. For the women? FALSTAFF. For one of them,- she is in hell already, and burns, poor soul! For the other,- I owe her money; and whether she be damn'd for that, I know not. HOSTESS. No, I warrant you. 2/4/300 FALSTAFF. No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for that. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee, for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the law; for the which I think thou wilt howl. HOSTESS. All victuallers do so: what's a joint of mutton or two in a whole Lent? PRINCE HENRY. You, gentlewoman,- DOLL TEARSHEET. What says your Grace? FALSTAFF. His grace says that which his flesh rebels against. [Knocking within.] HOSTESS. Who knocks so loud at door?- Look to the door there, 2/4/310 Francis. [Enter PETO.] PRINCE HENRY. Peto, how now! what news? PETO. The king your father is at Westminister; And there are twenty weak and wearied posts Come from the north: and, as I came along, I met and overtook a dozen captains, Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns, And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff. PRINCE HENRY. By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame, So idly to profane the precious time; 2/4/320 When tempest of commotion, like the south, Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt, And drop upon our bare unarmed heads. Give me my sword and cloak.- Falstaff, good-night. [Exeunt PRINCE HENRY, POINS, PETO, and BARDOLPH.] FALSTAFF. Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we must hence, and leave it unpick'd. [Knocking within.] More knocking at the door! [Enter BARDOLPH.] How now! what's the matter? BARDOLPH. You must away to court, sir, presently; A dozen captains stay at door for you. 2/4/330 FALSTAFF [to the PAGE]. Pay the musicians, sirrah.- Farewell, hostess;- farewell, Doll.- You see, my good wenches, how men of merit are sought after: the undeserver may sleep, when the man of action is call'd on. Farewell, good wenches: if I be not sent away post, I will see you again ere I go. DOLL TEARSHEET. I cannot speak;- if my heart be not ready to burst,- well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself. FALSTAFF. Farewell, farewell. [Exeunt FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH.] HOSTESS. Well, fare thee well: I have known thee these twenty-nine years, come peascod-time; but an honester and truer-hearted 2/4/340 man,- well, fare thee well. BARDOLPH [within]. Mistress Tearsheet! HOSTESS. What's the matter? BARDOLPH [within]. Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master. HOSTESS. O, run, Doll, run; run, good Doll: come [she comes blubber'd]; yea, will you come, Doll? [Exeunt.] ACT II. END.